When will it be time for me to write my story: the story of my life? I guess there will never be the perfect time…EVER. Really, the best time may be now. I can take all of these feelings and put them to good use. Instead of wasting this passion, pain, and sadness while sitting on the couch curled up with the remote, I can open up my computer, and allow my broken heart to bleed into the keyboard. While I listen to Led Zeppelin and to the sound of the rain tapping on the roof, I can hear my heart beats, some fast and some slow. All are looking for a way to express some sort of emotion. Perhaps, these are the times in my life where I will remember…those were good days because I took loads of emotion and put it to help heal my heart.
So, that’s where I start today; using this energy weighing heavy in my heart. My heart feels so heavy, it could just fall right out of me. Roll down the hill and keep thumping, and thumping, and thumping away. No matter how heavy it is, or if it even falls out, know my heart will beat. I can’t turn off my love for him even if I was to tear my heart out of my chest cavity, just like I saw in a scene from “Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom.”
My heart, heavy, filled with pain, weeps. No man, no drug, no drink, no shoe, no piece of chocolate…NOTHING can mend this pain! I have to…I GET TO go through the pain. Going through the pain is not the default setting I was born. I don’t even recognize this feelings setting I’m in the process of today. It’s brand ne and a little stiff from non-use. Of course, just like cutting a tooth, there is pain in all growth. That tooth is going to come in no matter what and this heart break is unavoidable as well.
Going through this break-up is not going to just get better if I get around the pain with nicotine. It’s not going to get better with sugary cupcakes or giant burritos. It sure isn’t going to get better from any bong load or shot of liquor. I KNOW the pain is not going to go away if I find a man to soothe me. Even if it is for a moment, forgetting all of those pieces of my broken heart, shattered on the ground, is a welcome relief. Even if it’s for one night, one night of feeling wanted, caressed, kissed…one night of forgetting what’s real. I truly have never done a sober break-up. If sobriety was so easy…everyone would stay sober. This s one of those times in my life, where I know I am here to stay.
My life is bitter sweet today. Of course I would like to still be with Mark. He’s my buddy, my pal, my bombardier, and guardian angel. This break-up rips me up inside. How could a love that felt so right, so filled with happiness, and hope turn, one day, SPLAT, turns upside down? This hole can’t be sewn up, glued, stapled, or filled over night. What I know, is the hole can only be filled with my Higher Power.
Yesterday I picked up my stuff and moved it into a cement storage unit. While I packed up my belongings and put them into cold cardboard boxes, tears fell from my eyes. Trying to hold back my tears were more painful than actually letting those drops stream down like salty waterfalls onto the ground. Cardboard boxes, packing tape, splitting up mundane items like blenders and pots and pans is what this has come down to. Never did I think I would be packing my stuff up to move back in with my parents. I thought I would be packing my stuff up to move into our first home.
I suppose, if I have grown so much since Brian’s death, I wonder how much growth is possible through grieving this loss in my life. The possibilities are endless and I must go through the grief to get to the other side, healing.
2 comments:
I wish there were some magic words I could say to make it better. Unfortunately, no one has told them to me yet. Hang in there, know you are loved and know you are not alone.
Thank you so much Amy :) I love you sooo much!
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