And They Came in Packs Carrying Cigarettes and Tissues

I feel like I really grew up here. I never thought I would really grow fond of LA. I mean, even when you say "LA" you don't even say the whole name. LA encompasses cities and suburbs and a vast amount of sprawling land. I have grown to love LA. Not because of the proximity to Sunset Strip, the Hollywood stars, Coffee Bean, and Venice Beach. I love LA because I have met the most amazing girlfriends.

I moved from San Diego to LA with 1 girlfriend(at the time she didn't like me so much.) We lived together in an apartment in West Hollywood with her boyfriend. We had holiday jobs at the Beverly Center on 3rd and La Cienega. We worked at Restoration Hardware among the stars that floated in to buy a sconce, paint, or some green glass knobs for their bathroom cabinets. The stars did not matter to me because all I wanted was a group of girlfriends like I had when I was in high school. Like I said, this one girlfriend was hanging on a thread. I didn't even want to hang out with me. I was selfish, stoned all the time, and I couldn't stop thinking about when I was going to make some girlfriends. I could make girlfriends in one night drunk at a club. I realize now, those were not friends. They were acquaintances.

So, I guess I had a enough of going to work stoned, drinking, and being pissed at the world because I moved to LA and I still wasn't happy. I was only living in LA for little over one month when I had an awakening. I had to get sober. I never thought I would go back to those meetings again. I thought I could handle it on my own. I was miserable and I believed I was unlovable. I was willing to do anything to feel better. I heard there was another way of living. I had to find these people in LA. Most likely they would not be women, they would be old men, with no teeth, wearing trench coats, and smoking cigarettes. I found so much better. I didn't find them on my own. God found these women for me. They were armed with cigarettes and tissues and they gave me their phone numbers.

They called me the next day and told me to meet them at a meeting. One woman even told me to go with her early and get bagels for a meeting! Who were these women? Were they for real? They were real and they have been real women in my life for 7 years and counting. I was allowed to cry, make mistakes, get angry, smoke cigarettes, and swear...and they talked about God too! I had found my people! I never knew I could allow God into my life, make mistakes, smoke, and swear...all at the same time!

I found my home. I found my long lost tribe of sisters. I found open hearts and open arms. I found my heart and I learned how to allow these women I barely knew to love me. And my life will never be the same....and that is a beautiful thing.

Leap Into the Garden

I had a dream last night. I had to jump off of a building with a can of beans in my hand. I know...a can of beans? I don’t know why I had to jump. I was tethered to bungee cord with two other people. We were high up on a building's ledge and all I could see were clouds below me. In no way did I have the desire to leap off this building. I was safe and secure where I was. I could just take the elevator back down. Why was I was doing this? All I knew was that leaping off this ledge was going to be one of the scariest and craziest things I had have ever done! I thought I heard people below telling me, "Have Faith, Kathleen." But we were alone on the ledge and the people on the ground were too far below us to possibly be heard. I then felt a warm sense of security. God was there with me. I jumped off the building, tied to two others. We jumped and screamed as we headed down head first, tied to the bungee. We fell lower and lower and then...suddenly, we began to bounce up, then down, and then over and over again...up and down. The beans in the can began to fall out like an army of paratroopers and we began to laugh hysterically! We continued to laugh till we cried and our feet were soon on the ground. I was still alive! I was safe! I was laughing!

I believe this dream has a lot to do with where I'm in my life right now. I'll soon be moving out of LA to be with my awesome fiancé in the Bay Area. I'll also be exploring a different career path. I'll be starting a new chapter in my life. Taking a "jump" into action...a leap of Faith... this is what this dream revealed to me early this morning. I don't know what is going to happen in my future. However, when I make the decision to tap deeper into my heart, I find Faith. Everything my heart has desired is happening right now. In the words of Rev. Micheal Beckwith, "It's all Good and it's all God."

Where I've allowed God in, my life has blossomed. Sometimes I can see full blooms, beauty, and the color is abundant in my Life Garden. At other times, weeds have overrun various areas of my Garden and then it takes a vast amount of energy and Faith to find the beauty in what Is. Today, God is the gardener of my Life Garden. Quietly and gently God extracts what is in my way grow, so that I may grow abundantly. Day by day, God digs into my rich soil and while days pass, sprouts of New Growth become visible. When I choose Faith over fear, and turn over my life to God, my Garden bursts with vibrant colors! Today, I'm going to allow God, Energy, Love, Life, to take care of me. I let let Good in and take a leap of Faith. I stay tethered to the knowing that I'm completely taken care of by a Higher Power greater than myself.