Procrastination: (adverb) to defer action; delay; to procrastinate until an opportunity is lost
I remember many nights throughout high school where I would be running around the house, stressed, and tired, trying to get a school project together, with white poster board, multiple colored markers, glue sticks, black and blue ball point pens, and wire bound notebooks, strewn all over my bedroom's floor. I really was a fabulous student...once I got into class and sat down. However, when I was working on a project, paper, or studying for a major test, you may have thought I was one of the worst students. I had numerous projects in which I would wait until the day before to type up or organize. I always got these projects done...but where was this procrastination truly coming from? Why in the world did I like to live a chaotic and stressful life when I was capable and had the time to do what was put in front of me?
Deferring an action doesn't work as well as it used to and now that I can see that perfectionism is exactly what I was tyring to attain all these years, my heart is open to new ways of living vulnerably. Though living at the Mount Madonna Center, I have taken action, I have chosen to take these healing opportunities, and love my imperfect self.
After a while, the words "lazy," "stupid," or "careless," became a how I identified and related to the world. This way of closing my heart has kept me separate and if anyone didn't like me, I would blame it on the "FACTS"...the procrastination. I was afraid that if people really saw that I needed help, they would see a defect of character. In reality, and not my cluttered mind, the healing and learning would need to begin with vulnerability. If others could have seen that I was trying to please others with the perfect projects, scores, or cheer routines, then I would need to open up and show others that I honestly cared for them!
Ahhhh! I always hoped others cared about me, just as much as did for them! Did my late essays, projects, and stressful nights prove to my family and friend and teachers I cared about what they thought about me? Not only has this behavior shown up in my school work, but also in my friendships, romantic partnerships, and my spiritual practice as well. I need to explain to people that I'm not LAZY! I'm not a SLACKER! I'm purely a PERFECTIONIST! I can see that's a reason why I fight getting my blog posts out there. I must have learned (many moons ago) that I was better off to be PERFECT than, just good ENOUGH. While I sit high up on the mountain top, looking over the Pacific Ocean, I can feel the power in the imperfection. Is there a tree, apple, or cloud that would be considered perfect? No. If everything in life was perfect, the same, on-time, and super predictable, life would be pretty darn boring.
It's time for humanity to see that perfect teeth, hair, skin, boobs, or 7 minute abs can not harness the power of LOVE that a human (even in her imperfection) can give to the world. She can give and receive love, peace, and a heaps of serenity even when she may believe her abs are not perfect, her teeth are not white enough, and possibly her boobs may be too small, too big, or just hang too low. Those thoughts reverberate in her mind and manifest lies. Feelings are not facts. FACTS can help us solve a mathematical problem, however problems of the heart need to be dealt with through another strategy. Even when that scale flashes a number from the floor, she can choose to base her feelings about herself upon that number. Have you seen anyone tear open their chest, and lay that heart on a scale to decide who to date, how to tell someone that their feelings were hurt, or to get closer to their Higher Power? No. That is just not possible!
My heart is not just a muscle...it's an instrument which will lead me to developing a deeper relationship with Self, the Universe, and Humanity. Turning inward to find TRUTH leads me to finding the solution that's always been there. Maybe not instantaneously, but in time, my heart does speak TRUTH.
I remember many nights throughout high school where I would be running around the house, stressed, and tired, trying to get a school project together, with white poster board, multiple colored markers, glue sticks, black and blue ball point pens, and wire bound notebooks, strewn all over my bedroom's floor. I really was a fabulous student...once I got into class and sat down. However, when I was working on a project, paper, or studying for a major test, you may have thought I was one of the worst students. I had numerous projects in which I would wait until the day before to type up or organize. I always got these projects done...but where was this procrastination truly coming from? Why in the world did I like to live a chaotic and stressful life when I was capable and had the time to do what was put in front of me?
Deferring an action doesn't work as well as it used to and now that I can see that perfectionism is exactly what I was tyring to attain all these years, my heart is open to new ways of living vulnerably. Though living at the Mount Madonna Center, I have taken action, I have chosen to take these healing opportunities, and love my imperfect self.
After a while, the words "lazy," "stupid," or "careless," became a how I identified and related to the world. This way of closing my heart has kept me separate and if anyone didn't like me, I would blame it on the "FACTS"...the procrastination. I was afraid that if people really saw that I needed help, they would see a defect of character. In reality, and not my cluttered mind, the healing and learning would need to begin with vulnerability. If others could have seen that I was trying to please others with the perfect projects, scores, or cheer routines, then I would need to open up and show others that I honestly cared for them!
Ahhhh! I always hoped others cared about me, just as much as did for them! Did my late essays, projects, and stressful nights prove to my family and friend and teachers I cared about what they thought about me? Not only has this behavior shown up in my school work, but also in my friendships, romantic partnerships, and my spiritual practice as well. I need to explain to people that I'm not LAZY! I'm not a SLACKER! I'm purely a PERFECTIONIST! I can see that's a reason why I fight getting my blog posts out there. I must have learned (many moons ago) that I was better off to be PERFECT than, just good ENOUGH. While I sit high up on the mountain top, looking over the Pacific Ocean, I can feel the power in the imperfection. Is there a tree, apple, or cloud that would be considered perfect? No. If everything in life was perfect, the same, on-time, and super predictable, life would be pretty darn boring.
It's time for humanity to see that perfect teeth, hair, skin, boobs, or 7 minute abs can not harness the power of LOVE that a human (even in her imperfection) can give to the world. She can give and receive love, peace, and a heaps of serenity even when she may believe her abs are not perfect, her teeth are not white enough, and possibly her boobs may be too small, too big, or just hang too low. Those thoughts reverberate in her mind and manifest lies. Feelings are not facts. FACTS can help us solve a mathematical problem, however problems of the heart need to be dealt with through another strategy. Even when that scale flashes a number from the floor, she can choose to base her feelings about herself upon that number. Have you seen anyone tear open their chest, and lay that heart on a scale to decide who to date, how to tell someone that their feelings were hurt, or to get closer to their Higher Power? No. That is just not possible!
My heart is not just a muscle...it's an instrument which will lead me to developing a deeper relationship with Self, the Universe, and Humanity. Turning inward to find TRUTH leads me to finding the solution that's always been there. Maybe not instantaneously, but in time, my heart does speak TRUTH.
