When I think of what a mature woman looks like, she does not look like me. I think of mature as boring, dull, wearing pantyhose, and just no fun. This description of an “adult woman” is the reason why I have a hard time doing adult things. I kick and scream and finally succumb to reality. I AM 32 year old woman learning how to live as an adult, one day at a time.
The other night, my friend suggested to me to write about what is REALLY going on. The dirt. The grit. The pain. The life stuff I don’t want everyone to know that I deal with. Why would I post it on my blog for everyone to read?
Well...I’m taking contrary action and sharing with the world, that I struggle with being an adult woman. Is being a woman really all it’s cracked up to be? Where is that Kate Spade purse and Manolo Blahniks that Carrie was wearing on the Upper East Side? Is this what a WOMAN wears? Well, if she does, I’m not a woman. Does she drive her kids to soccer practice in a van? Well, I don’t look like that either. Does she live on Wisteria Lane and bake cupcakes? Nope, not her either. If I can’t find her, I’ll have to learn how to be the woman that looks like ME. So far, that woman can’t seem to even balance her check book, so I suppose those yummy Manolo Blahniks are not going to just apear in my closet. No matter how much I bitch and complain, I need to take care of ME. No one else can do that job.
I have a friend who talks about how she learned how to wear her "Big Girl Panties.” This is one of those times in my life, when I truly want to be out of diapers. I'm fully capable of never again wearing diapers. Am I ready for "Big Girl Panties" every day, all day? Maybe, I could get by wearing Pull-Ups for those occasions when I just need a back-up(in case of an accident of life). The dillema...how could I ever match the super sleek Kate Spade purse to the bright Dora the Explorer Pull-Ups? Damn! It would never work!
How do I trade in those Pull-Ups for those “Big Girl Panties”? This is THE question, THE issue that has been screaming in my face every day of the summer. Where did I decide that being a grown up needs to be painful, annoying, boring, and overall just like PLAIN, fat-free, sugar-free yogurt? Every time I don’t pay a bill on-time, it’s my protest to “The Man” that I won’t grow up! Every time I let another month go by without cleaning out my car, ironically I end up sitting on the couch, grumpy, with that plain yogurt taste in my mouth. I don’t want that PLAIN life. That dullness. Why do I think that not paying a bill or procrastinating on cleaning out my car will save me from eating PLAIN yogurt?
I have been told by my mentor, that adult life can be full, fun, and beautiful. How could this be true? Paying off my college loan debt will slowly mold me into the adult woman I have always wanted to be, the WISE one tells me. She says that I will live an abundant life, full of wonder and LOVE. She tells me that when I wear those "Big Girl Panties", I'm one step closer to becoming the woman I have always wanted to be. She tells me that eating healthy (eating plain yogurt once in a while), exercising, and taking deep breaths will help support my body and soul.
Being a woman, a REAL woman, is scary! Will it hurt? Will I forget about fun? Will I suffer from a life of endless chores, bill paying, and never playing in the warm sun on a sandy beach? Will I get to surf? When my work is done, THEN, I was told I could play. Until then, it will be work. I can not deny myself pleasure. How did I ever think that being an adult was going to be easy? I just take the next step in front of me TODAY. First, I show up for my job. Second, I take care of my body. Third, I take some time to do the “adult woman” stuff, with gratitude for the life I GET to live. How can I be thankful that I GET to pay for another bill? I really don’t know! I guess I just keep paying those bills. Big Girls pay their bills.
Living the life of a “little girl” is no longer pleasing to me. Living the abundant “Life of a Woman in LA” is much more pleasing. I'll eat more plain yogurt with some added sweet fruit and crunchy granola for some exctiement. Also, I'm going to throw away those disposable Pull–Ups and start wearing my plain cotton, but functional "Big Girl Panties."
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Endless Summer
I wanted to blog today about how I’m feeling a little depressed because it’s the end of my summer vacation. However, I decided to take a different approach this time. I will keep it brief and light.
What would life be without summer? Summer is an amazing time when getting frozen yogurt at 10pm is a must and keeping the windows open to catch the cool ocean breeze is the only A/C in my house. Summer is golden sunny fun, paired with long nights of contemplation when it’s too hot to sleep. Dressed in shots, flip flops and tank tops…..tan shoulders and noses. My tan feet bare a slight resemblance to the tops of my flip flops and soon my feet will scream when I have to put on socks and stick them into a pair of sneakers.
Over the summer, my hot morning tea has been replaced with ice tea and a slice of lemon. There have been only few times I can remember that I last bundled myself up in a sweatshirt; One was in the movie theater in July and it was only due to the mistake of sitting under the A/C that blasted us like an Arctic wind. Two was while I was walking on the cold streets of the Castro District in San Francisco a few weeks ago. You would have thought it was November by the way the SF residents were sporting their knit beanies and fuzzy scarves.
My boyfriend and I decided that SF is no place to be when there is a sunny, warm, and delicious place like Los Angeles to call home during a beautiful summer.
The thing is, summer in LA is a lot like Spring and Fall in LA too....Warm weather, surfing, sandy beach time, Sunday BBQ's, flip flops, and long bike rides. My tan will fade,the water will get cooler, the bike rides will be shorter, and I'll have to keep the windows closed. However, the most delicious thing is I don't have to pack up my bags, load up the car, and say goodbye to this lifestyle. This vacation wonderland...my little grass shack by the sea...is home.
What would life be without summer? Summer is an amazing time when getting frozen yogurt at 10pm is a must and keeping the windows open to catch the cool ocean breeze is the only A/C in my house. Summer is golden sunny fun, paired with long nights of contemplation when it’s too hot to sleep. Dressed in shots, flip flops and tank tops…..tan shoulders and noses. My tan feet bare a slight resemblance to the tops of my flip flops and soon my feet will scream when I have to put on socks and stick them into a pair of sneakers.
Over the summer, my hot morning tea has been replaced with ice tea and a slice of lemon. There have been only few times I can remember that I last bundled myself up in a sweatshirt; One was in the movie theater in July and it was only due to the mistake of sitting under the A/C that blasted us like an Arctic wind. Two was while I was walking on the cold streets of the Castro District in San Francisco a few weeks ago. You would have thought it was November by the way the SF residents were sporting their knit beanies and fuzzy scarves.
My boyfriend and I decided that SF is no place to be when there is a sunny, warm, and delicious place like Los Angeles to call home during a beautiful summer.
The thing is, summer in LA is a lot like Spring and Fall in LA too....Warm weather, surfing, sandy beach time, Sunday BBQ's, flip flops, and long bike rides. My tan will fade,the water will get cooler, the bike rides will be shorter, and I'll have to keep the windows closed. However, the most delicious thing is I don't have to pack up my bags, load up the car, and say goodbye to this lifestyle. This vacation wonderland...my little grass shack by the sea...is home.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
From the Mouths of Babes
I woke up this morning out of yet another nightmare about teaching. For those of you that don’t know me, I teach 4th grade and I'm currently enjoying my 3rd week of summer vacation. Almost every night since I went on vacation, my subconscious has not been “there” with me. Over the past three weeks I’ve dreamt that I changed grade levels, my classroom was too small and I had to share it with the office staff, I was subbing my retired father’s high school class and he didn’t leave me lessons, and there are even more dreams. Every teacher I know has these teacher related anxiety dreams. Really, they are just a twisted version of those dreams I used to get where I would go to school, forget that there was a big exam, and to make it worse of course I forgot to put on clothes! I always thought my teachers had it together. Now, I realize they were merely human.
Last night I had the crème de la crème of dreams. I dreamt that I was fired! Okay. So, I was not just fired. I was replaced! I went back to school the next day after I was fired and proceeded to walk into my classroom. I thought I saw a sub sitting in my chair. Uh…no…he was my replacement! I went over to him, introduced myself, and then told him if he needed anything at all then he shouldn’t hesitate to…..NEVER ******* CALL ME!
I was furious! I proceeded to throw anything I saw in my way. I tore down a bulletin board. I threw pencils, binders, chairs, and anything I could get my hands on! Basically, I went ballistic! Or, as it was widely referred to in the 90’s, I went “postal.” So, why was I replaced? Well, I didn’t speak Spanish. I knew I should have been paying attention to Mrs. Remley in Spanish class! (Attending class would have certainly been beneficial.)
I woke up out of this nightmare and proceeded to pick up my car keys. As I walked out to my car, I had a mission. The mission was to find one reason why I’m still teaching after four years. In my car, there was a basket of things I took out of my classroom on the last day of school. This basket included paper work, a few gifts, and my most prized possessions, the annual “end of the year letters” from my students. I pulled that purple basket out of the car and walked back inside my house to find the reason.
As I opened up the letters, I saw all their faces and remembered the last few hours on the last day of school; There was a conga line weaving through my class and a dance competition going on simultaneously. Cupcakes, juice, and chips (not a piece of fruit in sight) were on every desk! After the kids left, there I was cleaning up the chocolate frosting off the floor and putting out the huge garbage bags filled with red plastic cups and multi-colored cupcake wrappers. The only sign of student life left in the classroom were those letters neatly stacked in a basket on top of the bookshelf.
This was their final writing assignment to me. Not to be graded. No draft to be corrected. The only thing they had to do was to sum up what they accomplished, tell me what they liked least and most about 4th grade, give my new class advice, and my favorite, they needed to give me advice. It’s in the advice that I discovered a reason why I’m still teaching, despite the crowded classrooms, budget cuts, and a plethora of testing. These are testaments to the truth that lies in children. When I embrace this type of honesty, all the other road blocks around teaching are easy to get around and a reason why I am stilling teaching becomes more clear.
“End of the Year Letters to Ms. Berryessa”
Advice to Ms. B. from her 4th Grade Students (June 2008)
“As for you Ms. B, you can be a little nicer.” Followed by “You are the best, Ms. Berryessa.”
“Stay how you are, because you are a great as a teacher.”
“Advice I give to my teacher is to be nicer.”
“If you give more parties they (the class) would like your class.”
“Teach them (students) a lot and encourage them to do their best.”
“You can put up a chart and put everybody’s name on it and the numbers 2-12 and every time they get their times tables right they get a sticker on the chart.”
“An advice I’d give to you is that you need to ask for more than 3 questions because some kids might have good questions in their heads.”
“My advice to give you is to give more challenging consequences.”
“Play more games.”
“Always eat healthy and keep wearing a smile every day.”
“Work together with another teacher so you can get done faster.”
I really see this advice as simply living in the moment. Simple and yet beautiful words written to me by 9 and 10 year olds. I do have an amazing life. I found that reason I began to look for this morning; I’m still teaching because these kids keep me teachable and humble.
Thank you students of Room 240 for teaching me more than you'll ever know!
Last night I had the crème de la crème of dreams. I dreamt that I was fired! Okay. So, I was not just fired. I was replaced! I went back to school the next day after I was fired and proceeded to walk into my classroom. I thought I saw a sub sitting in my chair. Uh…no…he was my replacement! I went over to him, introduced myself, and then told him if he needed anything at all then he shouldn’t hesitate to…..NEVER ******* CALL ME!
I was furious! I proceeded to throw anything I saw in my way. I tore down a bulletin board. I threw pencils, binders, chairs, and anything I could get my hands on! Basically, I went ballistic! Or, as it was widely referred to in the 90’s, I went “postal.” So, why was I replaced? Well, I didn’t speak Spanish. I knew I should have been paying attention to Mrs. Remley in Spanish class! (Attending class would have certainly been beneficial.)
I woke up out of this nightmare and proceeded to pick up my car keys. As I walked out to my car, I had a mission. The mission was to find one reason why I’m still teaching after four years. In my car, there was a basket of things I took out of my classroom on the last day of school. This basket included paper work, a few gifts, and my most prized possessions, the annual “end of the year letters” from my students. I pulled that purple basket out of the car and walked back inside my house to find the reason.
As I opened up the letters, I saw all their faces and remembered the last few hours on the last day of school; There was a conga line weaving through my class and a dance competition going on simultaneously. Cupcakes, juice, and chips (not a piece of fruit in sight) were on every desk! After the kids left, there I was cleaning up the chocolate frosting off the floor and putting out the huge garbage bags filled with red plastic cups and multi-colored cupcake wrappers. The only sign of student life left in the classroom were those letters neatly stacked in a basket on top of the bookshelf.
This was their final writing assignment to me. Not to be graded. No draft to be corrected. The only thing they had to do was to sum up what they accomplished, tell me what they liked least and most about 4th grade, give my new class advice, and my favorite, they needed to give me advice. It’s in the advice that I discovered a reason why I’m still teaching, despite the crowded classrooms, budget cuts, and a plethora of testing. These are testaments to the truth that lies in children. When I embrace this type of honesty, all the other road blocks around teaching are easy to get around and a reason why I am stilling teaching becomes more clear.
“End of the Year Letters to Ms. Berryessa”
Advice to Ms. B. from her 4th Grade Students (June 2008)
“As for you Ms. B, you can be a little nicer.” Followed by “You are the best, Ms. Berryessa.”
“Stay how you are, because you are a great as a teacher.”
“Advice I give to my teacher is to be nicer.”
“If you give more parties they (the class) would like your class.”
“Teach them (students) a lot and encourage them to do their best.”
“You can put up a chart and put everybody’s name on it and the numbers 2-12 and every time they get their times tables right they get a sticker on the chart.”
“An advice I’d give to you is that you need to ask for more than 3 questions because some kids might have good questions in their heads.”
“My advice to give you is to give more challenging consequences.”
“Play more games.”
“Always eat healthy and keep wearing a smile every day.”
“Work together with another teacher so you can get done faster.”
I really see this advice as simply living in the moment. Simple and yet beautiful words written to me by 9 and 10 year olds. I do have an amazing life. I found that reason I began to look for this morning; I’m still teaching because these kids keep me teachable and humble.
Thank you students of Room 240 for teaching me more than you'll ever know!
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