Can peace and serenity exist in the city? Creating this mindful space in my heart and mind has been much more difficult to do than I expected. The first weekend off of the mountain, it was necessary that I make my way back to Mother Nature. My boyfriend, Matthew, drove us over to Big Basin on the north end of the Santa Cruz Mountain range. We froze our little tushies off! I thought I was prepared for a night in the mountains, after 9 months of living up at Mount Madonna, living in a cabin, and using an outhouse. I miss waking up to hear the birds having conversations in the trees and hearing the redwoods weep onto my cabin. These days, I need to go deep to hear those sounds of the mountain. Those are the sounds of my mountain home.
This will be no surprise to everyone who knows me well....I have been crying :( So much anxiety about living a life that I think other people think I should be living! I just have way too much time on my hands. I seem to think I need to plan my whole life every day. Like planning every second of my future is going to bring me to nirvana or something. I'm 35, unemployed, and living back in the city that raised me. Daily, I ask my busy mind, "What should I do at this critical point in my life?" However, I forget to ask my heart this same question.
Now, that I have been away from Mount Madonna life, I have missed the deer in my front yard playing and freezing in the middle of the path to my cabin. I sure have missed walking everywhere. These days, I get into my car and putter around much more than I would like. My first few weeks back in the city I had hand cramps from gripping onto the steering wheel with my sweaty little hands. I miss the yummy kitchari on Tuesdays and Saturdays and I miss seeing Baba-ji too. I miss being able to wear yoga clothes all day and not feel like a lazy dresser. I have to admit, I miss being able to get away with not taking a shower for a day or two. I miss being deeply connected to the moon. When I was living up on the mountain top, I knew if the moon was waxing or waning in the night sky. Full moons even lead me to participate in the community's midnight meditations in order to get grounded. In this concrete jungle it's more likely that you'll hear the sound of gun shots than a group of people "om-ing" on the night of a full moon.
I miss the expansive view of the Monterey Bay on clear days and the unforgettable tangerine and sherbet sunsets. I miss my friends and all of those daily, if not hourly HUGS! I miss the fresh air, the quiet, and the simplicity of each day.
Today, urban and suburban life seem to be more complicated than my life three months ago on the mountain. I know that most of the time it is only I who complicates my life. I had a therapist once tell me that I need to get out of my way once in a while so I can allow myself to flourish. What would happen if I made the conscious decision to have an uncomplicated life?What if this time in my life, this time of not knowing, the crux, a fork in the road, unsure about my career, and in mid-thirties is EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be to get where I'm supposed to go? Ahhhh...I think I can already feel serenity and calmness seep deeper into my heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment