Peace in a Concrete Jungle?

Can peace and serenity exist in the city? Creating this mindful space in my heart and mind has been much more difficult to do than I expected. The first weekend off of the mountain, it was necessary that I make my way back to Mother Nature. My boyfriend, Matthew, drove us over to Big Basin on the north end of the Santa Cruz Mountain range. We froze our little tushies off! I thought I was prepared for a night in the mountains, after 9 months of living up at Mount Madonna, living in a cabin, and using an outhouse. I miss waking up to hear the birds having conversations in the trees and hearing the redwoods weep onto my cabin. These days, I need to go deep to hear those sounds of the mountain. Those are the sounds of my mountain home.

This will be no surprise to everyone who knows me well....I have been crying :( So much anxiety about living a life that I think other people think I should be living! I just have way too much time on my hands. I seem to think I need to plan my whole life every day. Like planning every second of my future is going to bring me to nirvana or something. I'm 35, unemployed, and living back in the city that raised me. Daily, I ask my busy mind, "What should I do at this critical point in my life?" However, I forget to ask my heart this same question.

Now, that I have been away from Mount Madonna life, I have missed the deer in my front yard playing and freezing in the middle of the path to my cabin. I sure have missed walking everywhere. These days, I get into my car and putter around much more than I would like. My first few weeks back in the city I had hand cramps from gripping onto the steering wheel with my sweaty little hands. I miss the yummy kitchari on Tuesdays and Saturdays and I miss seeing Baba-ji too. I miss being able to wear yoga clothes all day and not feel like a lazy dresser. I have to admit, I miss being able to get away with not taking a shower for a day or two. I miss being deeply connected to the moon. When I was living up on the mountain top, I knew if the moon was waxing or waning in the night sky. Full moons even lead me to participate in the community's midnight meditations in order to get grounded. In this concrete jungle it's more likely that you'll hear the sound of gun shots than a group of people "om-ing" on the night of a full moon.

I miss the expansive view of the Monterey Bay on clear days and the unforgettable tangerine and sherbet sunsets. I miss my friends and all of those daily, if not hourly HUGS! I miss the fresh air, the quiet, and the simplicity of each day.

Today, urban and suburban life seem to be more complicated than my life three months ago on the mountain. I know that most of the time it is only I who complicates my life. I had a therapist once tell me that I need to get out of my way once in a while so I can allow myself to flourish. What would happen if I made the conscious decision to have an uncomplicated life?What if this time in my life, this time of not knowing, the crux, a fork in the road, unsure about my career, and in mid-thirties is EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be to get where I'm supposed to go? Ahhhh...I think I can already feel serenity and calmness seep deeper into my heart.

Hello. My name is Kathleen and I am a Recovering Perfectionist.

Procrastination: (adverb) to defer action; delay; to procrastinate until an opportunity is lost

I remember many nights throughout high school where I would be running around the house, stressed, and tired, trying to get a school project together, with white poster board, multiple colored markers, glue sticks, black and blue ball point pens, and wire bound notebooks, strewn all over my bedroom's floor. I really was a fabulous student...once I got into class and sat down. However, when I was working on a project, paper, or studying for a major test, you may have thought I was one of the worst students. I had numerous projects in which I would wait until the day before to type up or organize. I always got these projects done...but where was this procrastination truly coming from? Why in the world did I like to live a chaotic and stressful life when I was capable and had the time to do what was put in front of me?

Deferring an action doesn't work as well as it used to and now that I can see that perfectionism is exactly what I was tyring to attain all these years, my heart is open to new ways of living vulnerably. Though living at the Mount Madonna Center, I have taken action, I have chosen to take these healing opportunities, and love my imperfect self.

After a while, the words "lazy," "stupid," or "careless," became a how I identified and related to the world. This way of closing my heart has kept me separate and if anyone didn't like me, I would blame it on the "FACTS"...the procrastination. I was afraid that if people really saw that I needed help, they would see a defect of character. In reality, and not my cluttered mind, the healing and learning would need to begin with vulnerability. If others could have seen that I was trying to please others with the perfect projects, scores, or cheer routines, then I would need to open up and show others that I honestly cared for them!

Ahhhh! I always hoped others cared about me, just as much as did for them! Did my late essays, projects, and stressful nights prove to my family and friend and teachers I cared about what they thought about me? Not only has this behavior shown up in my school work, but also in my friendships, romantic partnerships, and my spiritual practice as well. I need to explain to people that I'm not LAZY! I'm not a SLACKER! I'm purely a PERFECTIONIST! I can see that's a reason why I fight getting my blog posts out there. I must have learned (many moons ago) that I was better off to be PERFECT than, just good ENOUGH. While I sit high up on the mountain top, looking over the Pacific Ocean, I can feel the power in the imperfection. Is there a tree, apple, or cloud that would be considered perfect? No. If everything in life was perfect, the same, on-time, and super predictable, life would be pretty darn boring.


It's time for humanity to see that perfect teeth, hair, skin, boobs, or 7 minute abs can not harness the power of LOVE that a human (even in her imperfection) can give to the world. She can give and receive love, peace, and a heaps of serenity even when she may believe her abs are not perfect, her teeth are not white enough, and possibly her boobs may be too small, too big, or just hang too low. Those thoughts reverberate in her mind and manifest lies. Feelings are not facts. FACTS can help us solve a mathematical problem, however problems of the heart need to be dealt with through another strategy. Even when that scale flashes a number from the floor, she can choose to base her feelings about herself upon that number. Have you seen anyone tear open their chest, and lay that heart on a scale to decide who to date, how to tell someone that their feelings were hurt, or to get closer to their Higher Power? No. That is just not possible!

My heart is not just a muscle...it's an instrument which will lead me to developing a deeper relationship with Self, the Universe, and Humanity. Turning inward to find TRUTH leads me to finding the solution that's always been there. Maybe not instantaneously, but in time, my heart does speak TRUTH.

Peace, Love, and Mount Madonna

It’s been six weeks since I began this journey at the Mount Madonna Retreat Center. Just to clear up some questions for those of you who asked or thought about asking. 1. Clothing IS required by all staff, residents, and visitors. 2. This retreat center IS NOT a cult. However, it does bare a strong resemblance to one of those hippie communes from back in the 70’s where peace, love, and making hammocks in the middle of the mountains helped those who wished to stay off "the grid"and far away from Uncle Sam.

Now that I have answered those super important questions, I can now get to the good stuff. The juicy bits of my new found life on the mountain. The bliss I experienced after a good cry, yoga class revelation, or awakening in the forest. Now, I can tell you about the friends I have made, literally from all over the world. The healing, the joy, and the reconnection I am experiencing with my Higher Power, Spirit, My Heart, and Humanity.

Even before I post about all these amazing people, experiences, and yoga this post is just going to be plain and simple. However, not easy in the least bit. I am proud to announce...I am getting my mojo back! Every day, I feel more sparkle and more shine. Every morning I wake up with more gratitude for my life. Every night I can end my day with a smile on my face, knowing that I am an amazing woman! Like I said, it's not easy...but it's simple. Posting affirmations on my door and allowing others to get to know the real Kathleen, no matter what I feel like that day...is work. With all this work, pain, and even laughter, I have learned that this inside job is the best job around!

With every OM I chant with my YSC (Yoga, Service, and Community) friends. With every tear that runs down my face. With each new friendship, meal, and yoga class I share with my Mount Madonna family, I continue to heal and grow. One step…every day…I come back to ME. I come back to what IS. I...come back to LIFE.

Peace, Love, and Namaste :)

P.S.
Please check out my pictures by clicking on my facebook link!

Let the Sunshine In

I found myself awake again at 5am. The natural alarm clocks, the birds outside my window, chirped me into waking up and turning on my laptop. I was told years ago that instead of trying to go back to sleep, trying unsuccessfully, to get my brain working. This time of the day is when my heart and my brain can combine forces to churn out pieces here and there.

As I sit here, on an early Monday morning, I have time to reflect, listen to my heart, and breathe. I have had 6 months to have quiet time while unemployed, however I am entirely ready now to embrace this new life, recreate, and discover me again. Okay. So this isn't exactly a new feeling, nor is it unique to me. However, "Winter" fades and "Summer" uses her overbearing heat to exclaim she hasn't abandoned us. Throughout these hot days and warm nights, in the city, and home I was raised, I can see and feel acceptance. God put me exactly where I needed to be, with the right people. I am supported, loved, and carried through the horrible pain of breaking up. Now, I laugh and smile more. I cry and brood less. Which is, of course, a good thing for all parties involved.

I still manage to tell a stranger on a weekly basis that my fiance and I broke up. Makes for an uncomfortable conversation. What do you say to a woman who's wedding was called-off? Sorry? I can't think of anything, anyone could say or do that can have save me from the heartache. It's something I need to go through. One of those life changing events where, at the time, I thought my life was out of control like in a bad nightmare. You know the ones where you wake up and you're still dreaming! I came out of the nightmare, faced reality, and grew.

Sure, it was and IS still a little messy. It's really no fun. This is the adult life, that reminds me, I no longer wear diapers or pull-ups! Just like a very wise woman once told me, it's time to put on those"big girl" panties now! I was carried the entire way, through the dark days of winter. Summer tells me, with her warm sunny days, that things DO change, just like the seasons. No feelings are permanent. My faith has been restored. My beautiful life goes on.

Heart Break: In Pieces

When will it be time for me to write my story: the story of my life? I guess there will never be the perfect time…EVER. Really, the best time may be now. I can take all of these feelings and put them to good use. Instead of wasting this passion, pain, and sadness while sitting on the couch curled up with the remote, I can open up my computer, and allow my broken heart to bleed into the keyboard. While I listen to Led Zeppelin and to the sound of the rain tapping on the roof, I can hear my heart beats, some fast and some slow. All are looking for a way to express some sort of emotion. Perhaps, these are the times in my life where I will remember…those were good days because I took loads of emotion and put it to help heal my heart.

So, that’s where I start today; using this energy weighing heavy in my heart. My heart feels so heavy, it could just fall right out of me. Roll down the hill and keep thumping, and thumping, and thumping away. No matter how heavy it is, or if it even falls out, know my heart will beat. I can’t turn off my love for him even if I was to tear my heart out of my chest cavity, just like I saw in a scene from “Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom.”

My heart, heavy, filled with pain, weeps. No man, no drug, no drink, no shoe, no piece of chocolate…NOTHING can mend this pain! I have to…I GET TO go through the pain. Going through the pain is not the default setting I was born. I don’t even recognize this feelings setting I’m in the process of today. It’s brand ne and a little stiff from non-use. Of course, just like cutting a tooth, there is pain in all growth. That tooth is going to come in no matter what and this heart break is unavoidable as well.

Going through this break-up is not going to just get better if I get around the pain with nicotine. It’s not going to get better with sugary cupcakes or giant burritos. It sure isn’t going to get better from any bong load or shot of liquor. I KNOW the pain is not going to go away if I find a man to soothe me. Even if it is for a moment, forgetting all of those pieces of my broken heart, shattered on the ground, is a welcome relief. Even if it’s for one night, one night of feeling wanted, caressed, kissed…one night of forgetting what’s real. I truly have never done a sober break-up. If sobriety was so easy…everyone would stay sober. This s one of those times in my life, where I know I am here to stay.

My life is bitter sweet today. Of course I would like to still be with Mark. He’s my buddy, my pal, my bombardier, and guardian angel. This break-up rips me up inside. How could a love that felt so right, so filled with happiness, and hope turn, one day, SPLAT, turns upside down? This hole can’t be sewn up, glued, stapled, or filled over night. What I know, is the hole can only be filled with my Higher Power.

Yesterday I picked up my stuff and moved it into a cement storage unit. While I packed up my belongings and put them into cold cardboard boxes, tears fell from my eyes. Trying to hold back my tears were more painful than actually letting those drops stream down like salty waterfalls onto the ground. Cardboard boxes, packing tape, splitting up mundane items like blenders and pots and pans is what this has come down to. Never did I think I would be packing my stuff up to move back in with my parents. I thought I would be packing my stuff up to move into our first home.

I suppose, if I have grown so much since Brian’s death, I wonder how much growth is possible through grieving this loss in my life. The possibilities are endless and I must go through the grief to get to the other side, healing.

And They Came in Packs Carrying Cigarettes and Tissues

I feel like I really grew up here. I never thought I would really grow fond of LA. I mean, even when you say "LA" you don't even say the whole name. LA encompasses cities and suburbs and a vast amount of sprawling land. I have grown to love LA. Not because of the proximity to Sunset Strip, the Hollywood stars, Coffee Bean, and Venice Beach. I love LA because I have met the most amazing girlfriends.

I moved from San Diego to LA with 1 girlfriend(at the time she didn't like me so much.) We lived together in an apartment in West Hollywood with her boyfriend. We had holiday jobs at the Beverly Center on 3rd and La Cienega. We worked at Restoration Hardware among the stars that floated in to buy a sconce, paint, or some green glass knobs for their bathroom cabinets. The stars did not matter to me because all I wanted was a group of girlfriends like I had when I was in high school. Like I said, this one girlfriend was hanging on a thread. I didn't even want to hang out with me. I was selfish, stoned all the time, and I couldn't stop thinking about when I was going to make some girlfriends. I could make girlfriends in one night drunk at a club. I realize now, those were not friends. They were acquaintances.

So, I guess I had a enough of going to work stoned, drinking, and being pissed at the world because I moved to LA and I still wasn't happy. I was only living in LA for little over one month when I had an awakening. I had to get sober. I never thought I would go back to those meetings again. I thought I could handle it on my own. I was miserable and I believed I was unlovable. I was willing to do anything to feel better. I heard there was another way of living. I had to find these people in LA. Most likely they would not be women, they would be old men, with no teeth, wearing trench coats, and smoking cigarettes. I found so much better. I didn't find them on my own. God found these women for me. They were armed with cigarettes and tissues and they gave me their phone numbers.

They called me the next day and told me to meet them at a meeting. One woman even told me to go with her early and get bagels for a meeting! Who were these women? Were they for real? They were real and they have been real women in my life for 7 years and counting. I was allowed to cry, make mistakes, get angry, smoke cigarettes, and swear...and they talked about God too! I had found my people! I never knew I could allow God into my life, make mistakes, smoke, and swear...all at the same time!

I found my home. I found my long lost tribe of sisters. I found open hearts and open arms. I found my heart and I learned how to allow these women I barely knew to love me. And my life will never be the same....and that is a beautiful thing.

Leap Into the Garden

I had a dream last night. I had to jump off of a building with a can of beans in my hand. I know...a can of beans? I don’t know why I had to jump. I was tethered to bungee cord with two other people. We were high up on a building's ledge and all I could see were clouds below me. In no way did I have the desire to leap off this building. I was safe and secure where I was. I could just take the elevator back down. Why was I was doing this? All I knew was that leaping off this ledge was going to be one of the scariest and craziest things I had have ever done! I thought I heard people below telling me, "Have Faith, Kathleen." But we were alone on the ledge and the people on the ground were too far below us to possibly be heard. I then felt a warm sense of security. God was there with me. I jumped off the building, tied to two others. We jumped and screamed as we headed down head first, tied to the bungee. We fell lower and lower and then...suddenly, we began to bounce up, then down, and then over and over again...up and down. The beans in the can began to fall out like an army of paratroopers and we began to laugh hysterically! We continued to laugh till we cried and our feet were soon on the ground. I was still alive! I was safe! I was laughing!

I believe this dream has a lot to do with where I'm in my life right now. I'll soon be moving out of LA to be with my awesome fiancé in the Bay Area. I'll also be exploring a different career path. I'll be starting a new chapter in my life. Taking a "jump" into action...a leap of Faith... this is what this dream revealed to me early this morning. I don't know what is going to happen in my future. However, when I make the decision to tap deeper into my heart, I find Faith. Everything my heart has desired is happening right now. In the words of Rev. Micheal Beckwith, "It's all Good and it's all God."

Where I've allowed God in, my life has blossomed. Sometimes I can see full blooms, beauty, and the color is abundant in my Life Garden. At other times, weeds have overrun various areas of my Garden and then it takes a vast amount of energy and Faith to find the beauty in what Is. Today, God is the gardener of my Life Garden. Quietly and gently God extracts what is in my way grow, so that I may grow abundantly. Day by day, God digs into my rich soil and while days pass, sprouts of New Growth become visible. When I choose Faith over fear, and turn over my life to God, my Garden bursts with vibrant colors! Today, I'm going to allow God, Energy, Love, Life, to take care of me. I let let Good in and take a leap of Faith. I stay tethered to the knowing that I'm completely taken care of by a Higher Power greater than myself.